Before The Super Awesome Mega Ultra Family Guy Crossover Special
by Blackspiderman
Summary: During the last day of school, Peter reminises on an old friend from preschool. His desire to find him leads to a rekindled friendship and opens the door for new adventures, excitement, and random cutaways! See how it all started here. Rated T for safety.


**Phineas and Ferb/Family Guy Crossover**

**Before The Super Awesome Mega Ultra Family Guy Crossover Special**

**FanFiction Summary: Two totally different universe collided in this epic crossover special. After the Griffins prepare for the summer, Peter realizes that the guy he thought was going to be his best friend forever he actually met in preschool. His efforts to track him down lead him into a brand new world, and it only means fun, adventure, and total chaos for him, his family, his friend's family, and everyone who reads this.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own _Phineas and Ferb_. It belongs to Dan Povenmire & Jeff "Swampy" Marsh. I also do not own _Family Guy. _That belongs to Seth MacFarlane. Two totally different shows yet both are equally hilarious.**

* * *

It was an ordinary day in Quahog, Rhode Island. Peter, Chris, and Brian were on the couch doing what they do best: drinking beer and watching television.

"We now return to Whose Line is it Anyway?" Said the television announcer.

On the television there were three actors, each with scripts in their hands. Each actor looked positively befuddled.

Offscreen, the director yelled, "And…ACTION!" All three actors began restlessly flipping through their scripts as if they were trying to find something. Some were grunting, some stayed silent, but none of them spoke a word. Finally, after a few seconds, the director yelled, "CUT!" and stormed onto the scene looking quite pissed. "What the hell was that? You all missed your lines!"

"What did you expect?" One of the actors yelled flailing his script around. "Our scripts are totally blank!"

"Yeah! There's not a single fucking word on any of them! How are we supposed to figure out whose line is it, anyway?" Another one of the actors questioned. But this question drew not ire, but praise from the director. He crossed his arms and smirked.

"Well, it looks like someone finally gets it. Well done, you." He said to the second actor, who looked completely disgusted.

"The fuck's wrong with you?"

Peter and Brian studied the show carefully. "This show was way better when Bob Barker was on it." Peter idiotically responded.

"Peter, I think you're confusing it with another show." But rather than argue further, he left it there. Lois walked into the room.

"Peter, I'm going to pick up Stewie from preschool. I need you to entertain my book club until I get back." She started for the door, but Peter instantly shot up and ran to block her way.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold the phone." He said quickly and loudly. "Lois, there is no way in hell I am going to do that again. Don't you remember the last time I tried to entertain your book club?"

_(Cutaway)_

_Peter was sitting in a room with three of Lois's friends. They were discussing the book "Catcher in the Rye."_

_"I felt like the book did a great job using Houlden Caufield as the symbol for teenage rebellion. I could totally see my own son in him." One of them said. "What about you, Darcy?"_

_"I agree. And not only that, but they managed to incorporate the title of the book as a major theme of the story." Another woman added. "Catcher in the Rye" isn't just a clever title; it's a symbol of stopping young kids from losing their innocence."_

_"It's too bad this book caused so much trouble in the old days. I heard an Oklahoma teacher got fired for assigning this book to his class." The third woman said. "What did you think of the book Peter?"_

_All three turned to Peter, who looked unimpressed in every way. He held out the book and glared at each of them. "I don't care how many swear words are in here. **This** was awful."_

_(End Cutaway)_

"Believe me, Peter. I know. The girls all told me about that. But I'd rather you stay here and ruin another popular book for them than go pick up Stewie."

"And why is that, missy?"

"Don't tell me you've forgotten about what happened the last time you tried to pick him up from school."

_(Cutaway)_

_Peter was driving away from preschool with Stewie. Stewie was uninterested in engaging in a conversation with Peter, mainly because any conversation with Peter is highly unintelligent._

_"You know Stewie, preschool is a special time in your life." Peter said slurring his words slightly. "It's that time where you get to find yourself and make the friends you're going to have for the rest of your life."_

_"Right, because it's only in preschool where you can meet a womanizer, a black guy, and a cripple." Stewie answered sarcastically, though it fell on deaf ears._

_"You know, sometimes I think about my time in preschool and all the regrets I have. Oh, you should've been there, Stewie. My preschool was the best! We had all sorts of clubs for gambling…drinking & driving…how to hide a dead body…"_

_Stewie turned to his father somewhat distraughtly. "What fucking preschool do you go to?"_

_"Oh, and remember how I used to talk about my third grade teacher Mrs. Wilson? You know, how we always called her "Mrs. Kill-son?" you know, because she had an abortion? Well, what I never told anyone was that she was also my preschool teacher. In fact, it was in preschool where she got that nickname. You know, because she killed her son."_

_"You know, you passed four traffic lights, ran through a stop sign, forced an older woman to crash into a bush to avoid crashing into you…" Stewie was recounting the reckless driving from Peter as he continued with his story. Just when he thought things couldn't get any worse, they did. They heard police sirens from far away. "And…now the police are after us. Terrific." The sirens got louder and soon they caught Peter's attention._

_"Oh crap, Stewie! The cops are after us!"_

_"Yeah! I just said that!"_

_"Here! You take the wheel!" He grabbed Stewie and lifted him out of his seat. Then he scooted over into the passenger's seat and plopped Stewie into the driver's seat._

_"What? Are you insane? I don't know how to drive!" He screamed, but they fell on deaf ears as Peter was focused on the oncoming cops. As Stewie could barely reach the wheel, the car began swerving out of control, hitting various objects and people as it skidded along the road. Eventually, the car crashed and came to a screeching halt. Unfortunately, it crashed into Cleveland's house while he was taking a bath._

_The floorboard slowly started tipping downward and the bathtub started sliding off. "No, no, no, NO, NO, **NO**!" He yelled as his bathtub slid right off and fell to the ground, breaking on impact. Peter exited the car slowly while Stewie was left unconscious at the wheel. The police arrived shortly after. Several officers - including Joe - held their guns at Peter._

_"Hands up, punk!" Joe shouted. Peter's went up immediately. Cleveland hesitantly followed suit. "Not you, Cleveland." Cleveland lowered his hands again. _

_(End Cutaway)_

"H-H-Hang on." Chris interrupted. "I thought Cleveland was supposed to be in Virginia with his new family and that fat kid."

"OK, first of all, we've been over this. Cutaways almost never have anything to do with the actual story. For all we know, that could've happened back in Season 5. Second of all, it doesn't matter anyway. They moved back here. Don't you remember? You broke a vase and she spanked you and then Lois and Donna got into that stupid fight that kept Cleveland and I from seeing each other?"

"I already said I was sorry for that." Lois interjected.

"You wanna be sorry? _You_ sleep on the couch."

"What?"

"Anyway, Lois, I promise I'll be more careful coming home. I'm not even gonna drink."

"You better not. It's his last day of preschool and I want him home in one piece."

Peter turned and walked out the front door. But the scene failed to transition, leaving Chris confused. "Wait, why isn't-"

"Wait for it." Lois said. They waited a few more seconds; eventually Peter returned and held his hand out.

"Lois, I need the car keys."

* * *

Peter pulled up to the Tiny Tots Preschool. He exited the car and walked through the front door. He instantly found his son playing with LEGO blocks in the center of the room. He walked over and greeted him.

"Hi buddy..." He said in a sing-song tone. "What'cha doin'? Playing with blocks?"

"These are LEGO's, moron." Stewie retorted back. "And what the hell is this? Did Lois have a miscarriage or something? There's no way in hell I'm getting back in the car with _you_!"

"So my little guy, did you enjoy your last day of preschool?"

"Well, I mean there really wasn't anything that...wait, what do you mean "last day?"

"Now you get to go home and you don't have to come back here for another three months."

"Three months? What the hell kind of witchcraft is that?"

"It's this cool little thing they call "Summer Vacation."

"And that...and that's a thing?"

"Yeah! You get to do all kinds of stuff. Like...Like...stuff."

Stewie clapped his hands excitedly. "I wanna do stuff! I wanna do stuff!"

"Yeah, look at you. All innocent and such. Hard to believe that you're gonna be a drug dealer in 9 years."

"What?"

"Anyway, the only downside to Summer Vacation is that it's so long that you end up forgetting almost everything you learned while you were in school."

"Well that doesn't sound very nice."

Peter veered his sight off to the side and saw a mother picking up her child from the ground. "Lawrence! My baby! How was your last day?" But Peter then returned his attention to Stewie.

"So buddy, now that you're on Summer Vacation, what do you want to do?"

"I don't know. I suppose the possibilities are endless seeing as I'll have a lot of free time now."

Peter veered off in another direction and took note of another young boy waiting for his mom. The teacher walked over to him. "Fletcher, honey, your mommy's here to pick you up."

The boy sprung up and ran towards the door. Peter sighed. "Look at them…so young, so innocent…you gonna stay in touch with them this summer, Stewie?"

"Fat man, I'm one. That burden does not fall on me. I might be able to build a time machine and alter the course of humanity but you can't expect me to remember the names of all 6 of the kids in my class."

"That's nice, Stewie. Now let's go home." He picked up Stewie and walked out the front door.

"My teacher tried to molest me today." Stewie responded as they settled themselves into the car.

* * *

Later that day, back at the Griffin household, the family were enjoying a nice dinner meal. Peter was unusually quiet and Lois was wise to it. "Peter, you're unusually quiet today." She said. "Is everything OK?"

"Yeah, sure. Everything's fine." He responded without even looking up at her.

"Are you sure? Because usually when something's bothering you play with your food but you don't make it talk."

"Sorry, Lois. I've just…I've just got a lot on my mind."

"Come to think of it, you've been awfully quiet since you brought Stewie home from preschool. Is everything alright? Did the teacher try to molest you again?"

"No, no, it's not that…and that was _one time_, Lois!"

"Well then what is it?"

"Yeah, Dad. Usually you're the one keeping dinner interesting." Meg pointed out. "Remember when you brought Ernie the Giant Chicken home?"

_(Cutaway)_

_The Griffins were eating dinner at the table, and Ernie the Giant Chicken was sitting next to Peter. Ernie pushed his plate towards the center and slouched in his chair._

_He sighed loudly. "That…was…delicious, Mrs. Griffin." He said with satisfactory in his voice._

_"I'm glad you liked it." Lois said as she took his plate and walked towards the sink._

_"Me too. You know what? I'm glad we worked out our differences." Peter said to Ernie, patting him on the shoulders._

_"So am I. I mean, it really was silly getting worked up over something as stupid as a coupon."_

_"Yes, yes it was."_

_But the good times wouldn't last. Chris walked into the kitchen carrying a bag with an uncooked chicken in it. "Dad! Where do you want this uncooked chicken?"_

_Peter tried hastily to shut Chris up, but the words came out too quickly. Upon hearing this, Ernie got angry fairly quickly. He glared at Peter. "A chicken? A CHICKEN?"_

_"Hey, don't get worked up over this. This was gonna be tomorrow's meal!"_

_"What!?" Angry, he immediately grabbed Peter's neck and shoved it through the table, breaking it. It was there that the two began their routine battle to the (near) death._

_(End Cutaway)_

"It cost two grand to replace that table. Plus there was the matter of the civil suit he filed afterwards." Lois chimed in.

"Oh yeah, how'd that go?" Brian asked.

"It could've been a lot worse."

_(Cutaway)_

_Peter and Ernie faced Judge Brown, who looked particularly uninterested in being present for the case. "Mr. Griffin, where is your attorney?" He asked Peter in a stern voice._

_"Your honor, I will be representing myself." He responded in an equally stern voice. "In light of these absurd and anus charges, I move to immediately dismiss all charges, as there is no-"_

_"Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute." Ernie said quickly, interrupting Peter. "What did you just say?"_

_"I said **in light of those absurd and anus char**-"_

_"Right there! Right there! You said "anus."_

_"Right. These charges are anus."_

_"Shouldn't the word be "__heinous?"_

_"Exactly. These charges are absurd and anus."_

_"Heinous."_

_"Anus."_

_"Heinous!"_

_"Anus."_

_"HEINOUS!"_

_Judge Brown banged his gavel three times loudly. "Order! Settle down you two, or I'll hold you both in contempt."_

_"Objection!" Peter yelled._

_Judge Brown cupped his eyebrows. "On what grounds?"_

_"You've overstated your ground, sir."_

_"What the hell are you-"_

_"You're leading the witness!"_

_"There is no-"_

_"Perjury!"_

_"OK, now you're just yelling random things to me."_

_"Your honor, I am insulted. And I will not stand by and let this anus excuse for a trial continu-"_

_"There you go! You did it again! You just did it again!" Ernie yelled, now clearly frustrated with everything. "Why do you keep saying that?"_

_"To make a point!"_

_"The word is "heinous!"_

_"Yeah. "Anus."_

_"Heinous!"_

_"Anus."_

_"**HEINOUS!"**_

_Judge Brown banged his gavel rapidly, losing track of how many times. "Alright, enough! I'm settling this once and for all! Ernie, your lawsuit has absolutely no basis! You've failed to prove that Peter's actions had real malice behind them. Haven't we all accidentally brought home an uncooked chicken when we have a chicken over as a guest?"_

_"Your honor-"_

_"Enough! I find in favor of Griffin!" He banged his gavel once, stood up, and walked out._

_"Yes!" Peter shouted, raising his hands in triumph. He then proceeded to run over to Ernie and uppercut him in the jaw, causing him to fly across the room into the wall, smashing in and a bunch of internal organs. Peter started panting hard as he turned around and left the courthouse, leaving Ernie momentarily unconscious...until he opened his eyes, that is._

_(End Cutaway)_

Peter sighed before turning his attention back to his family. "Alright, alright. You guys wanna known what's bugging me?"

"Yes, Peter. What's going on?"

He sighed, took a deep breath, and collected his thoughts. "OK, here it is. I went to go pick up Stewie, and we were talking and...a couple of kids got picked up, a-and it made me think about my own school experience when I was younger."

"Why? Was it bad?"

"Was this when that teacher tried to molest you?" Chris chimed in.

"No, that was 12th grade. No, see, school when I was younger was great. See, I met this kid back in kindergarten..."

_(Flashback)_

_A little kid was playing with a toy car on the floor. A young Peter walked into the room and took notice of the kid. "Hi." He said. The little kid looked up briefly at Peter, then turned back to the car. "What'cha doin'? Playing with a toy car?" The boy again did not say a word. "That's a neat toy car you've got there. Can I see it?" The boy again said nothing, but he handed the car to Peter. Peter reluctantly took it. "You're a...you're a quiet guy, aren't you? Like to keep to yourself? That's cool. Hey, uh, since you don't talk much, I guess you won't mind if I go over here?"_

_Peter began to walk away. The kid gasped once, causing Peter to stop. He turned around and noticed the kid's scared facial expression. It was then that he started formulating an idea. "Say kid? You won't mind if I do this, will you?" He dropped the toy car onto the floor. Since he wasn't holding it very high, it only bounced and didn't break. but it still caused quite a scare. The kid yelped louder, looking almost terrified. "Jeez, relax. I'm not going to break it. Besides, it's just a toy car."_

_"It's not just a toy car! My mum gave that to me as a birthday gift!" The kid shouted in a frustrated rage. Realizing he had just spoke, he covered his mouth. Peter instantly beamed._

_"Hey look at that! You _can_ talk after all!" He walked over to the kid with the car in his hand. "See, that wasn't so hard, was it? My name's Peter."_

_"My name's Lawrence." The kid responded._

_"Eww, that's a British name."_

_Despite the brash response, the two became instant friends. _

_(End Flashback)_

"And after that day we became friends. We did everything together. We learned how to ride bikes together, w-we snuck into our first PG-13 movie together...hell, we even played hooky together."

"Sounds like you two were really close."

"We were. For years, we were practically inseparable. And for about six months, we actually were."

_(Cutaway)_

_Peter and Lawrence, somehow conjoined at the hip, were talking to Dr. Hartman. "How the hell did this happen?" He shouted concerned._

_"I don't know!" Peter wailed, obviously distressed._

_(End Cutaway)_

"So what happened to you guys?"

"Well he and his family moved away during the third grade and...well that was about the time I stopped going to school."

"Why _did_ you never finish third grade, anyway?"

"I don't know. Do you care? D-Does any-Does anyone _really_ care here, or are we just knocking wood? I-I mean we didn't care when Lois lost her job at FOX, did we?"

"Fair enough."

"I haven't even talked to him in years. In fact, ever since I met Quagmire, Cleveland, and Joe, I've kinda forgotten about him. Hell, it wasn't even until I went to pick up Stewie that he even dawned on me again."

"Well why don't you try to get in touch with him?"

"I'd love to, Lois. But I don't even remember his last name. Lawrence...Law-I-It starts with a 'F.' That's about all I know."

"Frank?"

"What? _Frank_?" What the hell kind of name is that? That's an Italian name!"

"Since when is it exclusively an Italian name?"

"Lois, I once met a Puerto Rican guy whose last name was Frank. He cried on my shoulder, cursed the gods, and then had me snap his neck."

"What about Ford?" Meg suggested.

"Too simple."

"Flaherty?" Brian suggested.

"I can't even spell that."

"Friel?" Chris suggested.

"Too September-eleventhy."

"Phyllis?" Lois said.

"That's P-H, Lois! You're not even trying now!" Peter sighed and cupped his eyebrows. "OK, obviously this isn't going to work. This is even more frustrating than when we had Ben Stein do a voiceover for one of our cutaways."

_(Cutaway)_

_Ben Stein was sitting in a chair with papers in his hand, a headset on and microphone in front of him. Peter was setting the equipment up._

_"OK, so in this scene you're playing a teacher that's disciplining a student of his that's late to one of his class. Now the student is a career tardy so you've gotta be firm and hard when you're talking to him."_

_"OK."_

_"Alright, I'm gonna go behind the screen and give you the signal." Peter ran behind the screen to the control panel. He sat down, put on his own headphones and looked up at the big screen to watch the animation. He gave Ben a thumbs-up. "OK, go!"_

_Ben started reading his script. "Hayden, this is your fifth absence this week." Ben was reading in his usual monotone-like tone. "I don't care what excuse you have for me today. This display of pure laziness and indifference towards your academics has-"_

_"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, stop! Stop! STOP!" Peter yelled, taking off his headphones and rushing into the next room. "Ben, what the hell?"_

_"What?"_

_"This! This...t-this isn't working! I told you I wanted some enthusiasm. I wanted you to be tough like a boss to an employee. Be like that gumball machine-guy **(Benson)** from Regular Show!"_

_"Peter, this may come as a shock to you, but how I am speaking to you right now is actually my enthusiastic voice."_

_"You...your what?"_

_"Believe it or not, I can sound much more boring than I am right now. Wanna hear it?"_

_"You know what, Ben? This just isn't working out for us. Thank you for your services. You can go now."_

_"Services? This is a service? People still like doing this crap?"_

_"T-Th-That's nice, Ben. The exit is to your right." He pointed in the direction of the exit._

_"I mean your show is nothing more than a bunch of fart jokes and vomit material, and the only reason I agreed to do this was because my agent said it would boost my credibility and lower yours."_

_A moment of silence as Peter processed that thought. And processed it incorrectly. "You saying I'm a racist?"_

_(End Cutaway)_

"Peter, if this really means that much to you, we'll help you track him down." Lois said with a smile.

"Wha...you'd really do that for me?"

"Of course, Peter. If he's important to you, he's important to us."

* * *

Later that evening, Peter walked into his bedroom to find his dog Brian sitting on the bed with the laptop on his lap. "Oh...uh, I-I'll just come back later." He said nervously as he attempted to leave.

"I'm not masturbating." Brian said bluntly, relieving Peter as he entered the room.

"So what'cha working on there?" He asked his dog.

"Just writing a letter to my pen pal."

"You have a pen pal? Since when?"

"Since about Season 8. Anyway, he's really cool. He runs this antique shop with his wife, and they have this really nice family. Three kids - two brothers and an older sister - and a pet..." Brian squinted his eyes to read the monitor again. "...pla-ta-pus?"

"Platy-what now?"

"I don't know. It's this Australian animal that they're housing for some reason...I-I think they're holding it for someone or something."

"Yeah, that sounds about right. Hey, what's this guy's name?"

"Uh, Fletcher, I-I think. I'll have to..."

"Wait a sec! Did you say "Fletcher?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"Fletcher...Fletcher..." Peter kept repeating the name over and over as if he was trying to jog a memory.

"_My name's Lawrence. Lawrence Fletcher."_

_"Fletcher, honey, your mommy's here to pick you up."_

_"Return the slab..."_

Peter shook his head and returned to reality after that last thought. "Did that sound weird to you? That last one?" Peter asked Brian.

"Oh yeah, that show was whack." Brian responded.

"Yeah, but you rerun that show on Cartoon Network now and i-it's probably better than half the crap they show today."

"Oh absolutely. But w-what was the other stuff about?"

"Brian, it's Fletcher!"

"What?"

"That's the name of the friend I had in preschool! Lawrence Fletcher!"

"What? Are you sure?"

"Brian, I've never been more sure of anything! I've gotta get in touch with him somehow...I know! I'll write him a letter!"

"Peter, nobody writes letters anymore. Not even the Amish."

_(Cutaway)_

_Two Amish gentlemen - a bearded one and a bald one - were talking in the corn fields._

_"My brother-in-law just settled into his new home in New York City." The bearded one said. "It has two stories, three bathrooms, and a den so he can set up his man cave."_

_"That sounds wonderful." The bald one responded. "How did you find this out?"_

_"He sent me this letter." The bearded one held up an envelope._

_"A letter? Fascinating! Will you respond?"_

_"I want to, but I just can't figure out how. Like, am I supposed to write on the back of the paper? Or do I just start a new letter?"_

_"And for that matter, who do you send it to?"_

_"This is all just too confusing. Let's just wait for the arrival of computers and the internet."_

_"But we're an Amish community. Technology like that is five hundred years away."_

_"And yet we have iPods?" The bearded one held out an iPod._

_(End Cutaway)_

* * *

Peter waited the next night at the Drunken Clam, having sent his friend (through Brian) an invite for a drink. He brought with him a paper bag.

"Man, where the hell is he?" Peter said to himself as he took a sip of his mug. Jerome - the black friend that replaced Cleveland after he got the spinoff - approached him while washing another mug.

"What's wrong, Peter? You seem tense." Jerome said.

"Eh, I'm meeting an old friend who I haven't seen in nearly forty years. I don't even know if he's gonna remember me."

"You never know unless you try, right? Besides, he might even be glad to see you."

"Not for long. I set up this elaborate lie to coax him into meeting me here."

The door swung open and in walked a scrawny man with a white shirt, blue pants, and glasses. "Is that him? Jerome asked.

"Yeah, that's him. Lawrence Fletcher...my old friend...kinda scrawnier than I pictured."

Lawrence approached Peter. "Excuse me, I'm looking for a "Brian Griffin?" He said. Peter snickered.

"I'm sorry, sir. Brian couldn't make it. He was met with "A Series of Unfortunate Events..." He remained silent, waiting for Lawrence to say something.

"Oh, that's horrible."

"No no no no no. Listen closely. _A Series of Unfortunate Events..._" He said it again, exaggerating each word this time.

"Why are you reveling in that poor man's misfortune?"

"It's a book series."

"What?"

"_A Series of Unfortunate Events..._that's a book series." Jerome said.

"No it's not, it's a bad movie starring Jim Carrey."

"Yeah, but it's based off a book series. Like _Twilight_ or _Harry Potter_." Peter explained.

"Yes but that doesn't explain why you were reveling in that man's misfortune."

"No, see, it's a pun. I'm telling you he was the victim of a series of unfortunate events while exaggerating the words as to emphasize the reference to the movie."

"I'm not sure I'm following."

"It's a play on words." Jerome chimed in again.

"Oh you mean like _Breaking Bad."_

"What?"

"OK, this isn't going anyway. Let's just show you the cutaway." Peter and Jerome zoned out - eyes going slightly off-center - and remained completely frozen for several seconds. Lawrence observed both of them as he attempted to figure out exactly what was going on. After several seconds the two returned to reality.

"Did that really happen?" Jerome asked Peter.

"No, not really. It was just a dramatization of what I was gonna explain to-"

"Excuse me, fellas." Lawrence interrupted. Both Peter and Jerome turned to Lawrence. "W-What was that?"

"What was what?"

"That thing you all just did. W-With the eye bulging and the looking-high thing."

"What do you mean? That was what...oh that's right. You don't know about cutaways yet." Peter realized.

"What's that?"

"Oh, see, we do this thing where we'll just randomly go off into a tangent and play a joke about some random thing that doesn't usually have anything to do with the plot of the story. Some are good, some are bad, but mostly they're just for a quick laugh because the main plot is usually not funny enough."

"Yes, but how do you do it?"

"It's simple once you get the hang of it. You just gotta "zone out." You know, let your mind wander during these things. Here, let me show you." He reached into the paper bag he had with him and pulled out a Porcelain Poodle. "You see this Porcelain Poodle?"

"Oh, how lovely. This is the item you were talking about in that email."

"Yes, it's very valuable. I pawned it from the guy that runs that museum dedicated to Pac-Man." Peter began zoning out. "OK, so the key is to just get into a state where you're completely-" He looked over at Lawrence and discovered that not only was he not relaxed, he was holding his breath so tight that he looked ready to pass out. "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" He shook Lawrence silly to get him to breathe. "Breathe, man! Breathe!"

Lawrence finally let out a breathe. He panted hard a few times. "Sorry."

"Dude, you're doing it all wrong. You just gotta relax. Look, just...just take a deep breath." Lawrence took a deep breath. "There you go. Do that a couple more times while the clip plays."

"What clip?"

"Oh boy."

_(Cutaway)_

_In a museum, a man was giving a tour to a group of visitors._

_"And this is the first ever Pac-Man arcade game. It was created by Namco and released in Japan on May 22, 1980." He said as the tourists proceeded to snap photos as they trudged onto the next exhibit. "And this is the original Pac-Man animated series. It ran for 2 seasons fro 1982 to 1983." Some tourists "ooh'd" and "ahh'd" as they walked a few more steps to the next exhibit. "And this is a recreation of a man that shot himself in the balls after complaining to the network about how crappy the show was."_

_"Uncle Earl!?" A random tourist shouted in distress._

_(End Cutaway)_

Lawrence and Peter came back to reality. "Well, that was...that was quite peculiar."

"Yeah, some of them are hit n' miss."

"You know, I don't even remember why I came here in the first place."

Peter sighed loudly. "Alright look, I have a confession to make. I'm not actually an antiques entrepreneur."

"Yes, I kind of figured that out."

"Well, who are you then?"

"You wanna know who I am? Alright, I'll tell you. But first, riddle me this! What was the name of your third grade teacher?"

"Third grade teacher? Oh that's easy. Her name was Mrs. Wilson. But we had a nickname for her. We called her-" It was at this point that Peter spoke simultaneously to Lawrence, knowing exactly what he was going to say. "Mrs. _Kill-son_ because she had an abortion!" Peter stopped here. "Wait a moment! Peter Griffin...Peter Griffin, is that you?"

"No, my name is Rusty Shackleford." Peter said sarcastically. (**An obvious nod to "King of the Hill"**) "Of course it's me, you douche! Come here!"

The two embraced warmly. "How are you?"

"I'm great! Things are great! What about you?"

"I'm fine, I'm alright."

"Dude, we got some serious catching up to do! Here, l-let me buy you a drink." Peter grabbed Lawrence's shoulder and guided him to his booth. The two sat down as Jerome brought them two mugs of beer. As they were about to sip, Cleveland, Quagmire, and Joe stepped in. "Hey guys!" The friends greeted him warmly. "Hey guys, there's someone I want you all to meet." The three friends sat down in the booth with Peter and Lawrence. "Everyone, this is my childhood friend Lawrence."

"Pleasure to meet you all." Lawrence said cheerfully.

"Aw shit, you're British." Quagmire said under his breath.

"Lawrence, this is Joe Swanson." He pointed to Joe. "He's a cop, but he's also a cripple. Watch." He leaned in to Joe. "Cripple cripple cripple cripple cripple cripple cripple-" He kept repeating the word many times. As he did, Joe slowly raised his gun to Peter's face, pulled his hand back, and then went in and hit Peter right in the kisser. "Ow! What the hell, Joe?"

"I like him." Lawrence said cheerfully.

"This is Glenn Quagmire." He introduced him to his friend. They shook hands. Peter leaned into Lawrence and whispered, "_He's a pedophile._"

"Oh how lovely! What exotic places have you visited?" Lawrence asked Quagmire, clearly unaware of what "pedophile" meant.

"W-W-What?"

"And this is Cleveland." He introduced him to Cleveland.

Lawrence gasped. "The one with the spinoff! How wonderful!" He reached out, grabbed Cleveland's hand and started rapidly shaking it.

"Wait, what?"

"Happy to meet one of our fans. Can I sign something for you?"

"Wait a minute...how do you know about Cleveland's spinoff but you could recognize me?" Peter asked Lawrence completely bewildered.

"I don't know. I didn't write this stuff."

"So Lawrence, what is it that you do for a living?" Joe asked.

"I'm an antique collector. I collect old and rare artifacts. Last week I collected an old Big Ben Four Unit Radio and I sold it for over four grand. Those things were made in the 1920's." he friends grumbled, seemingly bored or unimpressed by Lawrence.

"I once had a radio which I thought had the ghost of Ronald Regan trapped inside." Peter interrupted. "Now I'm banned from the Natural History museum for six years. N-Not that I care, or anything."

"Oh, in fact, just the other day I came across the legendary Dorcham and Wesley boot scraper. I sold it for forty thousand dollars and used the money to fund my two sons' college funds."

The friends exchanged looks. Eventually Joe spoke up. "Peter your friend is a real stick in the mud."

"Yeah, I am not optimistic over the direction of this conversation." Quagmire added.

"Wait a moment. What's that supposed to mean?" Lawrence asked.

"We think your stories are boring."

"I am not entertained."

"Now hold on a moment. You think my stories are boring?" Lawrence was understandably offended. "Well let's here what you got then. Come on! What exciting stories do you all have to tell?" Lawrence crossed his arms defiantly waiting for the others to speak. Instead, they responded by dumping a bunch of DVD boxes onto the table. "What...what is this?"

"This is twelve seasons worth of _Family Guy_ DVDs depicting all the wacky B.S. we've gotten into over the years. Just a little heads-up: some of this stuff is vulgar, disgusting, and...there's three Star Wars parodies somewhere mixed in that pile."

"Oh, I did a Star Wars thing once." Lawrence responded. (**Obviously referring to the upcoming Phineas & Ferb Star Wars Crossover**)

Peter laughed smugly. "That's cute...you think we care."

Cleveland took out four more DVD boxes. "And here's four seasons of _The Cleveland Show_."

"Cleveland, we're trying to one-up him. Put those away."

* * *

Peter took Lawrence home with him and invited him to dinner with the family. "How's the food doing you?" Lois asked him.

"It's splendid, Lois." He responded. "You really went all out for me. You must be an excellent chef."

"OK, you can quit the kissing-ass now." Peter said coldly. "It's making me look bad, like when I had that genie in a bottle."

_(Cutaway)_

_Peter was sitting on the couch with the genie from "Aladdin" next to him._

_"So...h-how does this work? I-I just say something a-and then you do...you do your genie thing?" Peter asked._

_"That's right. You get three wishes, and you can wish for anything your heart desires...except for love." He said the last three words quickly._

_"Ah, th-wait, what?"_

_"Love, you can't wish for love."_

_"I-I can't?"_

_"Nope."_

_"But you just said I can wish for anything I want?"_

_"You can...except for love. And murder. Love and murder...oh, and reviving the dead. So love, Murder, and reviving the dead."_

_"This is bullshit! This isn't "Anything I want." Is there anything else I should know?"_

_"Oh, thanks for reminding me. You also can't wish for additional wishes."_

_"What!? Aw, then what's the fun in this?"_

_"Sorry, boy. Them's the rules."_

_"You know what? I wish you'd just get the hell out my house!" He stood up and pointed ferociously at the front door. "Go on. Get out! Get the FUCK OUT!" __The genie scoffed and snapped his fingers, and he disappeared in a cloud. __"There! That'll teach you." But then a lightbulb went off in his head. "Shit, I had two wishes left."_

_(End Cutaway)_

"So Lois, Lawrence and I have been talking and it looks like we might be getting some neighbors pretty soon." Peter said happily.

"Well, I'll have to speak to my family about it but I would love to come to town and visit my old friend this summer." Lawrence responded.

"Oh, that's wonderful. You know, I have to say I'm really glad to see you two have reconnected after all these years."

"Yes it's great to be reunited with my old friend." Lawrence agreed.

"Well then it's settled! You're coming to visit us here this summer!" Peter announced happily. Brian, however, was less than enthusiastic.

"What's wrong, Brian?" Stewie asked.

"I'm not good with strangers, Stewie. You know that."

"Especially black strangers."

"What?"

"Look, let's give these people a chance. For all we know, they could be the coolest guys we ever meet. I just hope they're not one of those families that bitches about every little thing that ordinary people would bitch about."

_(Cutaway)_

_Peter was hosting a family consisting of a very strict mother and father, and an overly dressed 9 year old boy._

_"OK, so this is my house. Uh, feel free to roam around as you please. Just don't touch anything." Peter said nervously. The father approached a photo of Chris on the wall near the staircase._

_"This picture frame is off-center!" The father shouted._

_"O-OK, I-I can just fix it later."_

_"It enrages me when a homeowner carelessly ignores such flagellant violations of the sanctity of a perfectly balanced home!"_

_"Alright, no need to get uptight over it."_

_"How do you think I'd feel if you came to my house and I had un-straightened picture frames all around?"_

_"It's one-sixteenth of an inch off. Don't get a fucking orgasm!"_

_"And look!" The mother yelled from the kitchen, noticing a cup on the kitchen table. "This cup has no coaster underneath it."_

_"We don't use coasters."_

_The mother and father both gasped loudly. "You don't use coasters? Are you invited us into your house in this condition?"_

_"Invited you? I don't even fucking know you!"_

_(End Cutaway)_

* * *

Meanwhile, back in Danville, Lawrence's hometown, he had returned to his family to explain the good news to them.

"Lawrence, honey, that's great!" Linda exclaimed.

"I know, dear. It truly is wonderful!"

"So dad, what's he like?" Phineas asked. "Your friend, I mean?"

"He's hilarious. Just as funny today as he was all those years ago. And their family is wonderful too. Almost as wonderful as _Sharnado_." And with that Lawrence went into a lifeless-like state, with eyes slightly off-center and no motion at all as he relieved the cutaway. His family, however, was left befuddled. When Lawrence came to, Phineas piped up.

"D-Dad? What was that?" He asked.

"What was what, son?"

"T-That thing you did with the bulgy eyes and the...the lifeless look."

"I don't...oh, that! Oh yes, I can explain that. That was just a cutaway."

"A what?"

"A cutaway - a non-sequitur that has absolutely nothing to do with the plot."

"How come we couldn't see it?" Candace piped up.

"Peter warned me about this. Don't worry, there's a simple trick. All you have to do is just relax and clear your mind. Everybody take a deep breath." They all did that. "Breathe out." They also did that. "Now do this a few more times. Yes, Peter did warn me about this."

_(Cutaway)_

_Peter and Lawrence were sitting at the dinner table._

_"Now Lawrence, I gotta warn you. Once you go back, you might have a hard time relaying cutaways willy nilly like we at "Family Guy" can. Alright? It's a totally different culture there at Disney. But it is possible to teach outsiders our ways of non-sequiturs."_

_"Alright."_

_"Alright, and if it works, it can only enhance their quality of life."_

_"Well that sounds delightful."_

_Peter then held up a pistol. "But if it doesn't, you'll have to kill them all. That's what happened with my first family."_

_(End Cutaway)_

"But I don't think we'll have any problems on that front."

"Hey Dad, is it OK if we bring our friends along for the ride?"

"Sure thing. Peter said "the more, the merrier. I'm sure there are plenty of people in that neighborhood you'll be able to interact with who are on your intellectual level, or at least close."

* * *

A week later, real early in the morning before the sun even rose, the Flynn-Fletcher family, as well as friends Isabella, Baljeet, and Buford were packed up and shipped out in the Flynn-Fletcher minivan. They made the long trek to Quahog, Rhode Island in search of a fun vacation away from Danville.

Meanwhile in Quahog, Chris was having a problem in the bathroom. "MOM! It's just sitting here again!"

"You have to pull the lever to make it flush!" Lois yelled from downstairs.

"Oh, right! Thanks, Mom!" Chris did so to make the toilet go. Unfortunately, it didn't. Instead, it backed up. "Oh no. Oh no no no no...go down, go down, go down, GO DOWN, _**GO DOWN**_! _**DAMMIT**_!"

Outside the home, Peter, Lois, and the rest of the family (minus Chris) as well as a few of the neighbors stood outside their homes as they prepared for the arrival of the Flynn-Fletchers.

"So Brian, what exactly are we waiting for again?" Stewie asked his dog companion.

"The family of that British guy Peter made nice with the other night." Brian responded.

"Oh yeah, that one. I almost forgot. OK, but why are we waiting out here for them? It's 80 degrees out here and I'm sweating like a fucking pig!"

"Relax, Stewie. It's just for a few minutes." Brian reassured, but he would be proven wrong as Peter approached them with a megaphone.

"OK, everyone!" He shouted through it to the family. "Lawrence and his family will be here in about..." He checked his watch. "four hours!"

"Fuck!"

About four hours later, they finally caught sight of the minivan as it came down the street towards them. "Hey guys! There it is! They're coming!" Peter yelled, but while he cheered wildly, the others didn't completely join in the celebration. As Peter was celebrating, Quagmire walked in.

"Hey Peter, listen, we got a problem." He said.

"Hey Quagmire! What's up?"

"Yeah, you know those explosives we planted in the sewer last week?"

"Yeah. What about 'em?"

"Well, there's a problem. Turns out despite what my seller told me, they are not in fact water-proof. So there might be some complications." Quagmire turned towards the streets. "Everyone, can I have your attention, please! C-Can I have your attention? Thank you. So there's a little bit of an issue in the sewers. I'm gonna have to ask everyone to please refrain from flushing their toilets for the next six hours. Thank you."

"What the hell is this?" Lois asked, clearly irritated as she walked towards them.

"Oh, we planted a bunch of explosives in the sewers to stop the swamp monsters." Peter answered.

"Swamp mon-OK, that is ridiculous. First of all, where'd you even get the explosives?"

"I know a guy..." Quagmire said. "That's all you need to know. I-I know a guy."

"**I GOT IT!**" Yelled Chris from the upstairs bathroom. Peter, Quagmire, and Lois ran towards the window. "I unclogged the toilet!"

"Chris, don't flush!" Quagmire yelled.

"What?"

"I said don't flush! We have explosives in the sewer that aren't-"

"DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I'VE BEEN CHUGGING AWAY AT THIS...CRAP?" Chris yelled. "I've been lugging away for four hours trying to unclog this fucking thing! It's disgusting and inhumane! I'm flushing this baby! If you don't like it, _**GO FUCK**** YOURSELF!" **_With that, he flushed the toilet vigorously. The ground immediately began rumbling.

"Oh my god! What's going on?" Lois shouted.

"Dammit! I gotta go warn Lawrence!" Peter shouted as he ran up the street towards the car. He stopped above a pot hole and started waving his arms around like a crazy person. "STOP THE CAR!" He screamed. "STOP!"

But in the car, nobody could make out what Peter was saying. "Dad, what's he saying?" Phineas asked.

"I haven't the slightest idea, son." Lawrence admitted. "I do hope he moves out of the way. I wouldn't want to run him over."

"Dammit! They can't hear me!" Peter said to himself. "I'm gonna have to try some drastic measures!" So he took out a machine gun and started firing. The Flynn-Fletcher family started screaming as the car began swerving. Eventually it veered off the street towards Cleveland's house, crashing into it, revealing that Cleveland was taking a bath.

The floorboard slowly started tipping downward and the bathtub started sliding off. "No, no, no, NO, NO, **NO**!" He yelled as his bathtub slid right off and fell to the ground, breaking on impact. He noticed the minivan that had crashed into his home. "Wait, that was _today?_ I thought that was Thursday!"

"No, Thursday we go scuba-diving with the Kardashians!" Peter yelled.

"Oh, that's right."

Across the street, Stewie & Brian watched in horror. "Brian?"

"Yeah?"

"Are they...are they dead?"

"I sure hope not. That would ruin this entire crossover!"

"Well, not really. They could always do a 'South Park."

Brian snapped his focus to Stewie. "What?"

"You know how they kill that Kenny guy off in like every episode?"

"Stewie, they stopped doing that in season eight, I think."

"Ohhhh...that's why it sucks now. Anyway I...I-I think this would be a good place to, you know...stop."

"Yeah, I would agree."

"So, assuming this writer guy doesn't fuck away and just leave this be, we'll see you next time...I-I suppose. You know, so...bye. You know, I still can't believe Dan Povenmire worked on both of our shows."

**The End. For Now.**

**And here's the 1st part of my Family Guy/Phineas & Ferb crossover fic. I'm gonna write another one where they go on this big adventure so this is kinda like the "Prologue" if you will. Not sure of the premise yet nor when I'll update. But let me know what you think of this one. **

**For Phineas & Ferb fans, "Phineas and Ferb Save Summer" premieres June 9th on Disney XD and "Phineas and Ferb Star Wars" will premiere sometime in July on Disney Channel! Look for new episodes all summer!**

**For Family Guy fans, who's looking forward to the Simpsons crossover special this fall? I sure am!**


End file.
